the post-spect

    It's been a month since I was abducted.  One month of looking at myself, looking at my edges and seeing where they are in relation to everything else.  When I took off for this trip I set out to be vulnerable, to be soft and loving, accepting and compassionate.  Balance was on my mind, harmony with my surroundings and a deep knowledge of myself.  Armor in the form of strength and stubborness wouldn't serve me, so I left it at home.  I set out to change myself, and that is exactly what I did.
   Thrashing, convulsing, twitching movements.  My head flings from side to side, eyes wide looking all around.  My jaw is locked open biting at something huge in the air, throat long, gurgling, grunting, sobbing, they all pour out without effort.  I gasp, I spit, I clench down and growl. There is an immensity to this, some kind of endless openness; raw, red, black, slimy, and sharp.  My ribs feel like they could crack open, shattering out of my body like they would prove the existence of my emotions. The ephemeral nature of emotions, their intangibility, is nullified in this experience.  Everything is visible.  Everything has weight and color.  My three selves, the physical, mental, and spiritual get dressed with me in the morning.  We are all here, taking up space, using three seats on the subway, using up more of your resources.  But we do it to unite.  We do it to heal.  We do it to teach.  And we do it with respect to ourselves. I breathe out deeply, letting my chest wheeze as it contracts to that point where there is nothing left.
  When I breathe in I get flooded with knowledge, flooded with lightness.  Everything makes sense and I feel giddy.  I drive down the road and pull over to stand in a puddle and look at the sun set.  I can feel my face curling up into a giant smile.  Laughing, head thrown back, hair whipping around in the wind, feet frozen in the cold spring water, I am experiencing the pureness of living.  The sun drops in the sky turning into that red-orange color tinged with gold.  It reflects in the water that has poured out into the field.  The swollen lake, full with the rain waters of the spring, glistens and mimics the setting sun.  We all reflect what we see.  We all mimic what's around us it tells me.  If you see the beauty and truth in yourself and act from that place, play with the world from that place, you will show someone the beauty and truth about themselves.  You will change the world.
    There's a muted thoomp thoomp thoomp in my ears. I listen to it and can suddenly feel it pulsing in every part of my body. It's the sound of my own blood pumping through my veins, the ebb and flow of my own inner world.  I feel the growing ball of desire exploding from my chest to let go, purge, create, transform, take back, and flow like a river through my soul. This is my journey.  This is my life. Swallowed up in flames, born again into the stars; into the light of the full moon rising over a desert in Mexico.